But it's meant for me, right?
by RisngWalls
Summary: I want to go away. Far away. I don't care where. Just far, far away...
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: There is a reason for **bold** words and thoughts in _italic_, and it is not just aesthetic. Interpret it in your own way. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Form of the story will be explained in Chapter II. My apologies for any grammar mistakes.

_There is always more than meets the eye._

Attention: **MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS **- Being set during Vol7Chap39, scene and dialogue are authentic to manga, only Keiko's thoughts are my fiction. Chapter II is/going to be purely fictional.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I made no profit of this story.

* * *

Chapter I

"I hope it goes well for her."

I can't even look at her. Her words or something... Something **hurts**. I want to open my mouth and...

"... H-Hey, I was thinking that maybe I'll accept some chocolates this year after all..." So **easy** to say but...

_Why did I say that? What am I hoping for? I think I've done quite enough. Or..._

I feel tension around us. That uncomfortable feeling, we've been here before. I would walk away. I would sleep it all **away**. She turns to me, but I still can't look at her.

"I'm not giving any, though." Wait...

_... Nothing. I've done nothing._

"WHA-?!" I bite myself before it's too **late**. Maru finishes it, though.

"Here, Maru-chan, for you!" she flashed that beautiful smile of hers, as she gave chocolate to our **friend**. Maru looks as uneasy as I am, but **accepts** it without a word.

"WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE BEING LEFT OUT?!" I shouted. Had I right to? I was **left** out. They...

_You left me out. I'm fine with that. I deserve no better._

"You see... It's because this isn't a friendship chocolate. That's why I can't give it to you, Sanjou-san." I feel **pain**. I can't move. I can't speak. There is something irritating my eyes. I remember it from elementary school...

_But it's meant for me, right?_

"Alright, I'm going to get one from the convenience store, so wait a bit. It's going to be a proper friendship chocolate." And just like that, she went away. I merely watched her **disappear**. Why couldn't I say that? Why couldn't I tell her that I know everything, that I...

_Because it's too late. I slept way too long to realize on time that I..._

"Ah-" I hear myself sigh. It was more like a gasp for air, somehow, it became difficult to breathe. I want to leave, but I can't. I'm **stuck**.

"Sumizome was troubled all this time because you were both girls, but she didn't know what to do... You should give a straight answer." Maru said, visibly saddened. To give her a straight **answer**?

_You are far too late._

"I-" It began. The flow that overtook me. Images flashed before my eyes. Memories I would never **forget**.

_When I saw her for the first time._

_When we talked for the first time._

_When we touched for the first time._

_When I 'saved' her._

And then, for the first time, I recalled **everything**. Every time she came to me, everything she said.

_How badly I hurt you, Sumizome?_

"I STILL WANT TO STAY FRIENDS WITH HER!" Lie. What a horrible **lie**. I know what I want now, but it's too late. I **broke** her. And myself. There was absolutely no way I could see her as friend again.

_She deserves better. I'll help her. I..._

My chest hurt badly. Something inside was falling **apart**. I'm fine with that... Be yourself Keiko. Be...

"Yeah, I think that's fine too. I also want us four to stay together." I heard Maru say, with comforting smile. You are **wrong**. Nothing will ever be fine. She may be, but I... Now I know that I...

_I'll never be fine again._

If she finds someone else I would...

"I bought the chocolate!" Her voice made my **heart** skip a beat. Or two. Maybe... Maybe it stopped. I face her and take the gift she was giving to me.

"Oh thank... WAIT, A 10-YEN CHOCOLATE?!" She smiled with a saddest smile that I ever saw. All because of **me**. Yet, I'm being rude and complain. Why am I of all people...

_Disappointed?_

I disappointed everyone and everything. I disappointed myself too. I was **blind**. But...

_Is it fair to recognize the true value of something only after you loose it?_

"Oh, don't you go complaining now Keiko!" Thank you Maru. You couldn't say it **better**. I changed completely in 5 minutes. I'm turned upside-down. I'm...

_Devastated._

Now I see **everything**. I feel everything. And most of it, if not all, hurts. It was symbolic.

Friendship between me and Sumizome would be and is like a 10-yen chocolate. Short, more bitter than sweet and most of all... Almost without any **value**. Because we are not meant to be friends. I can't be friends with someone...

_I love... I love her._

Without a single word, I turn and run away. The only thing I did... For all this time. Last thing I saw were their faces. They had disbelief and worry written all over them. She looked as she was about to **cry**.

_Why?_

**Tears**. I was crying. Something pierced my ears. They were calling for me, but nothing ever reached me. I need to get away.

"Don't go after me." I whisper. I'm moving as fast as sound, no, faster, as light, no, even... **Faster**... As fast as I...

_'Thank you, Sanjou-san'_

_I want to go away. Far away. I don't care where. Just far, far away. I want to disappear._

* * *

I thank you for your time. Feel free to review, it would help me in some way, considering this is my first fanfic.

_I hope that Keiko and Sumizome are going to end up together in both manga and anime. Vol7Chap39 made me cry. Too slow Keiko, too slow..._

Until next time. Hopefully, story will be updated until the end of July. I don't promise anything though.


	2. Chapter 2

_I want to thank __**Sifki8**__ for the review. It kept me going. I'm glad you liked it, and I hope that you enjoy this chapter as well._

* * *

Chapter II

I don't know for how long I was running. My body is burning. I can't beathe. I feel myself slowing **down**.

_No, please... Just a little bit further. You must..._

What I see before me - a forest. Then my legs **betray** me, and I fall. I'm shivering. I open my eyes for a moment and through tears, I see green. Grass is caressing me.

_Get up._

I can't, but I try nevertheless.

_You're not far enough yet... _

_(Really?)_

I'm gasping for air. My lungs are **aching**. My vision is clouded. I can't stop crying. Time passes me by as I lay down in grass. I watch the lights fade away, now through closed eyes. When did this happen? And...

_How? Is there anything beyond? Take me to 'after', or whenever or..._

I think about **nothing** at all. There are too many thoughts that are too painful to dwell on, so my mind is bleak. Dispel them, cast them away. Shut down my brain and... Everything else. I can do it. I'm strong. I have to live up to my image. Heh... In all this self-mocking, just for a brief moment, I ask myself...

_Is she searching for me?_

Probably not. Certainly yes. She's far above both of it. And in the end, she only gets **suffering**.

_Forget. Forget. Forget. No..._

"SANJOU-SAN!" Too soon... Even though I don't know how much time has passed. I don't know what to do **anymore**. And am I glad, or...

_You shouldn't._

She rushes to my side, franticly looking for any injuries. All my actions - ignored, she puts me on the first place. I feel her fear, she is afraid to touch me, and I don't even want to ask why. I don't need to. I expected nothing less. Or I wasn't even expecting at all. It's the way she is. Caring. **Selfless**. I hope she'll finish me off, unconsciously. Just a little push, and I'm over the edge.

_I'm already falling._

She tries to help me stand up. Her touch burns me, I scream **silently**. Don't help me, it's wrong... So I do what I've done before. I push her away from me. She almost lost her balance and could've fallen.

_She blames herself._

"Sanjou-san... Why?" Everything but this. She is crying, thinking it's her **fault**. Why are you taking everything on yourself? I never wanted for you to... I just... Hate myself. Out of anger, I shout.

"LET'S STOP PRETENDING!" It came out desperate, hoarse and **tired**. She froze.

_I keep on hurting her... Even now, I..._

"I don't-" She tries. No you won't. You do, just as I do, whatever. I won't let you lie. Remain above, and **listen**. This won't happen ever again.

"But I do!" I cut her off, as if I knew what did she wanted to say. But I continue. Not that I can stop it. It will go out now, all of it, but leave me no different than before. **Empty**. I can't see myself at all afterwards. All I know - this must end.

**Now**. Though...

_I don't want to go through this... Pass me by._

"I know everything. Your feelings... I know everything." What else could I've said? No other way to explain... More tears came out of her - her expression was nothing but of **horror**. She starts shaking...

"Sanjou-san... I - " Her **struggle** is how we both suffer.

"Don't! Instead, tell me why? Why did you leave me out? Everyone... EVERYONE KNEW!" Does my **rage** have a point? I feel like I'm asking the questions on which I already know the answers. I know this all was, is, and will be...

_My fault._

Now **enlighten** me, even though I don't need it. Truth from your mouth will be the hand to push me.

"I tried... I did, trust me! But you would never even look at me! You never listened to my words, and you never noticed my actions! I said 'I love you!' thousands and thousands of times! But you... You just shrugged it off... Perhaps you were that oblivious, that was what Maru-chan and Inari-chan told me. But I knew I was lying to myself, and that they were only trying to comfort me! You would never feel the same about me, I KNEW IT SINCE THE BEGINNING!"

_Stop._

"We are both girls after all. That would be wrong, in many ways. I'm well aware of everything, I thought about it for all this time... I even wanted to give up on my feelings, but... That is impossible! I was disgusted of myself for even thinking about it because this... These feelings I have for you are something most beautiful I ever had! I loved you since the first time I saw you, I love you now, and I will love you forever! You hate me, I understand! You don't want me in your life, I understand that too, and I respect it! I want you to be happy and live a normal life!"

_Please..._

"Now that I confessed to you... Sanjou-san, I promise... I'll go away and I won't bother you anymore, but please... Please take care of yourself! Don't do things like this anymore! I'm aware that all of this happened because of my actions, but... It's wrong that you endanger your own well-being! There are other people that care for you and they are worried!"

**STOP**.

"Farewell, Sanjou-san."

It ends with **period**. Just...

Not yet. Up until now, this chaos within me blinded me and deafened me, leaving me speechless and **lost**. This one time, my brain worked. I recalled...

_'I loved you since the first time I saw you, I love you now, and I will love you forever!'_

It won't end like this. It can't end like this. I won't let it happen. I won't let you **go** away. I don't need confidence. I don't need hope. I don't need optimism. All I need is mouth to speak, soul to speak from, ears to listen and soul to hear.

When she turns to leave, I jump and grab her hand. I'm not **done**.

* * *

_As for the form: I wanted this story to portray raw emotions. As simple as that. When something as valuable as love matters, there is a chaos within. Emotions and thoughts flash in speed of light. You can't go through them, because you can't catch them. It's a mess that's there until something happens to stop it. And even when it stops, you don't notice it. As the time goes by, you thread slowly, processing everything bit by bit. You understand, I'm sure. So yeah, that's why this story is a mess. It's just as it should be._

_Chapter III may be up before second half of August. Nothing is certain. I thank you for your time and understanding. Feel free to review. It helps._


	3. Chapter 3

_Again, thank you _**_Sifki8_**_! 3_

* * *

Chapter III

**It** just triggered. When I grabbed her hand, and when she looked at me, surprised, scared... 'Simply', without any further thinking, I just began.

_I'll be selfish for this one last time._

"AND YOU WOULD GO AWAY LIKE THAT?!" I made a mistake for shouting. I don't care though. I **would **continue to, but my throat wouldn't let me.

_Or something else. Even if..._

"Is that how it's done? You say what you have, and go away? Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, I HAVE SOMETHIG TO SAY?!" I feel like I'm collapsing under the weight of iron-y, heh... I guess this could be considered as a monologue too. **Certainly**...

_I have no right to._

"Sanjou-san, I didn't-"

_But can you/they judge me?_

"NOBODY DID!" I scream, throat burns. She froze. It was the truth. Regardless of responsibility. Nobody would listen. But I would **be** waiting. Then I felt insane. What am I doing?

"I was allways the indifferent one! I was harsh! Oblivious..." This confession was somehow starting to feel almost... **Nice**. It's going out, if nothing... We're counting my mistakes together, even though we know everything already. I'm feeling the emptiness inside of me, growing. Just like me, pushing everything away and being left alone.

_I'll let everything out._

"When I heard you back then... I was confused! And I still am! And I said things that I didn't MEAN! And I avoided you. I avoided ALL OF YOU! Because... When I heard you..."

_Why is this so difficult?_

"I had no one to turn to, to talk about... This and... I tried to fix things. I made mistake after mistake, I now I'm paying for them. I don't mind, but..."

_Stop._

**If** it could...

I never before wished for silly things, like this one, for time to stop. At least for a minute. There was no way for me to do this. I was never even close to things like this. What Inari is going through... Was something **I** could never relate to. Romance?

_It doesn't work._

I know well enough how it should be like. How it should feel. And that is, how am I feeling when it comes to Sumizome. But how someone like me possibly **could** express anything as such? With everything I've done...

_Would you trust me?_

I've missed every **turn**. I'm missing it now. And how bad can it get?

Being left behind was my choice. Everything... How it is... Was my choice. This is also my choice. There is no turning **back**. Despite everything, I know I must do something to change things (to better). For her...

_For us._

I'm running out of **time**. I couldn't stop thinking and now I'm choking. This is flooding me over. I'm mumbling. Nonsense over nonsense. I haven't lied but... She is standing there, captured by me, listening, waiting... And I'm slowly loosing the point, if I hadn't lost her already.

_It would be nice if I could turn back time._

If I start explaining, we would get **nowhere**. I'm too bad at this. So it seems the only thing left for me to say is...

"I LOVE YOU SUMIZOME AKEMI!"

This is the truth. **Simple**. And I've said it. I know I'll have to explain everything at some point, not because she would ask for it, but because I want to. I want to be able to tell her everything with clear head. I want her to know everything. But this has to be settled first. Can we go on? Together, hand in hand, or...

_What if?_

Again, I lost sense of time. Or have I had it in the first place? I know I'm crying right now. We reached the **end**. What would become of this...

_I'm afraid..._

Then, I feel something warm. From wherever I was, I return. My gaze drops to see her. She is hugging me tight. I think I smiled. This is **good**, isn't it? It means...

_Can we begin now?_

"Sanjou-san... I love you too." She whispers into my shoulder. I smile. It's good to know... There is still **hope**. Maybe now...

'You should work to change yourself Keiko!'

Now I feel like I can do **anything**. My thoughts finally disappear, and my mind goes blank. I let bliss take me over. There is two of us. One of us. Time passes us by. I don't mind anything anymore.

At certain point, our hug brakes, and we face each other. Without brain, I only have instinct. I reach for her chin trough her **beautiful **hair, to wipe her tears away, to caress her. She is looking at me like I'm something...

_Indescribable._

Took me so long to notice what is inside of her, what comes out of her eyes. It radiates me, flows trough me and makes me **warm**. My mind comes back to me. And I understand. Compared to now...

_I was so alone._

_I was so cold._

_I was so empty._

You should work to **change** yourself Keiko. I could've never done it alone. Going back to reality, I notice how red her face is. It seems as if her lips are trembling. I smile. My smile felt bittersweet, but only I felt it as such.

"I want to kiss you..." I say as if I'm **dreaming**. Her expression changes to one of worry.

"But?"

_You can read me... So don't ask._

"Right now, I'm not feeling worthy." She opens her mouth to protest, but I place my finger on her lips, silencing her. And I see hurt in her eyes. So **unreal**.

_I want to deserve you. I want to deserve all of this._

"Don't you ever doubt me and my feelings. I hurt you so much. I need to repair this damage. I want to make you happy. The happiest... I want to make you smile. I want you to trust me. And then, I will kiss you." She just **smiles**. She understands.

I take her hand, this time, gently. And as our fingers entwine, we leave this **timeless** place. We leave as something timeless. Hand in hand. I smile because I know how we both feel...

_We loved each other before. _

_We love each other now._

_We will love each other forever._

Life isn't shoujo **manga**.

_But it seems we're living it._

* * *

There it is. Last chapter of my first fanfic. Defining this chaos was... Fun. I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I forgot to mention that English isn't my native language. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed in this mess. Feel free to review, it really helps and make things going.

I also announce my upcoming second Inari, Konkon, Koi Iroha/いなり、こんこん、恋いろは fanfic, also Keiko and Akemi based. Hopefully, it will be more accomplished than this one.

_So keep your eyes open._

Until next time.


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